“I’m So Cool I Like Bands That Don’t Even Exist Yet”: Kimmel Tricks Coachella Fans

Oh, you always want to be an early adopter when it comes to liking new bands, huh? Jimmy Kimmel put this to the test at Coachella, asking fans what they thought of made-up bands. They did throw in a real band (Two Dollar Cinema Club), and the laugh-tracky audience couldn’t tell them apart from the Chelsea Clintons, Get the Fuck Out Of The Pool, and the other made-up bands that Coachellans professed to be in the know about. Great viewing if you need to get your indie-smug on.

Let Everybody Know!: Preview of !!!’s Thr!!!er

One of the best new albums of the year — and definitely one of the most danceable — will be coming from !!! (Chk Chk Chk, for those who don’t read symbol) very, very shortly. Thr!!!er, a play on Michael Jackson’s classic title, comes out April 30, featuring relatively-tight songs, voice modulators that make singer/frantic dancer Nick Offer sound REALLY REALLY DEEP, and grooves galore. Pitchfork has the preview.

Amanda Palmer Writes A Poem, And The Internet Explodes

In what is apparently the Making It All About You Department, the not-always-social-media-savvy Amanda Palmer has written a poem titled “A Poem For Dzhokhar” on her blog over the weekend. Although the work does venture into what Suspect #2 (and his brother, Suspect #1, aka the Tsarnaev Brothers of last week’s horrific Boston marathon bombings) might be thinking, the references to iPhone battery life, Vietnamese soft rolls, and the Oh-my-Godiest line of all: “you don’t know how to tell the girl in the chair next to you that you’ve been peeking at her dissertation draft and there’s a grammatical typo in the actual file name” indicates that this poem is more about Amanda calling attention to Amanda. (We’ll let the crime of all lower-casing rest for now.)

So, the Internets noticed. Spin called it “a new low” (and paired it with an engineered-to-scare photo of Amanda enjoying a ball pit more maniacally than she might have intended), Gawker called it “the worst poem ever written,” and one blogger wrote biting parodies. And, predictably, the greatest handwringing on the Internets was of the “Neil Gaiman has to stay married to her?” variety.

It’s really not, to be fair, the worst poem ever written — it has all the hallmarks of being quickly dashed off, in an attempt to enter the dialogue in a way that’s clearly marked with her own voice and her own worldview. She has adoring fans, to be sure, and when you raise over a million dollars on Kickstarter and create a fantastic album in response, it maybe makes you feel like you can do no wrong, even after last year’s Unpaidmusiciangate — a pretty definitive indication that the Internets will not always love you.

Here’s the problem — we’re all watching from a distance right now as the FBI, CIA, and whoever else is questioning Dzhokhar right now trying to get into his head. We’re pretty sure that he wasn’t bleeding to death hiding in a boat thinking about Vietnamese soft rolls, and if he was, we’re not concerned about that. We want to know more important things, like why did they try to kill people, was he and his brother working with other terrorists to kill people, and are there plans to kill anymore people, including any additional bombs hidden in Boston. Right now, getting into the mind of the bomber isn’t a journey to the land of aesthetic ennui and artists-who-made-it problems for those of us who feel compelled together. We want to see the blueprint imprinted in that mind — namely, a plan to hurt and kill innocents, a plan that worked, a plan that took an eight-year-old boy and two young women from the world. We collectively want to know the extent of the plan so we can begin to heal and fight the fear and bewilderment that terrorism means. There’s a time and place for navel-gazing art. The galvanic response to Amanda’s thoughts on Amanda as filtered through Dzhokhar is the audience saying that this is not quite the time and place.

(Update: The title was arbitrary, and it only took her nine minutes to write the poem. We suspected as much.)

He Bites, He Dives, He Hates the Jackson Five: The Enigmatic Luis Suarez Just Got More Enigmatic

Sometimes, sport transcends itself and becomes something of which the whole world takes notice. Sometimes, it’s as a result of something very dramatic and on the field of play and amazing. Something, though, it’s Tiger Woods driving his SUV into a tree and setting off a whole investigation into his sex life, or it’s Mike Tyson doing any number of Mike Tyson things, or, as happened yesterday for the second time in his career (speaking of Mike Tyson things), it’s Luis Suarez biting an opposing player (Chelsea’s Branislav Ivanonic) in the middle of a game between two of the most high-profile English football clubs.

It’s even more remarkable in that the referee didn’t see it, Suarez was allowed to stay in the game, and scored the last-gasp, game-tying goal. Suarez is no stranger to controversy — the “he bites, he dives, he hates the Jackson Five” is an awesome soccer chant referring to a past biting incident (when he played for Holland’s Ajax), his propensity to pretend to be fouled, and his prior ban for racism toward Manchester United defender Patrice Evra. In other words, dude’s an enigma — eminently talented, but a certified jackass. (That doesn’t even include this jackassery on the world stage playing for his native Uruguay in the last World Cup.)

After the game, the Fox Soccer crew questioned Suarez’ IQ and ability to function in society, and Twitter was alight with mirth about the incident. Our personal favorite was “Dinner is Serb,” in reference to Ivanovic’s heritage, though there were plenty of cracks about Suarez just wanting a “taste of Champions League football” (which you instantly get if you follow the English Premier League). Suarez will surely feel the wrath of a suspension and a fine, though perhaps the Gulag of Hilarious Internet Memes is where he’ll feel this the most.

(Update: The memes in question. The last one is particularly LOL-worthy.)

Record Store Day

Here’s info on the annual celebration of putting the needle in the groove. It’s increasingly a lost art, but still, no one’s going to ever feel as fondly about the cassette tape or the CD, are they?

Oopsie-Daisy Homophobe: Stephen Colbert and Alan Cumming Combine for Awesomeness

Not sure what Stephen Colbert was doing with the bucket-cam in Times Square last night, but one night prior, he scored bigtime in skewering Brad Paisley and LL Cool J’s “Accidental Racist.” He pointed out some of the issues we pointed out in an earlier post, but took it to an amazing new place by bringing Alan Cumming on to do a parody called, “Oopsie-Daisy Homophobe,” employing the reductiveness and sketchy rhyming of the original. He even employed a cowboy hat in the making of said parody. (Which, needless to say, brings its own extra level of hilarity.)

Patton Oswalt Is Winning The Week

On the heels of Patton Oswalt’s words of hearing post-Boston Marathon attack comes this amazing outtake (courtesy of io9) from his guest spot on Parks and Recreation. It’s an eight-minute-long “citizen filibuster” at a Pawnee town meeting, in which Oswalt’s character offers a vision for Star Wars Episode VII involving a “time ribbon,” Lando hooking up with Leia, The Avengers, the return of Boba Fett, and a disturbing Chewbacca sub-plot. Highly entertaining and nerdy as all get out.

Sequestered in Winterfell? The Hold Steady Helps Soundtrack Game of Thrones

During this past Sunday’s HBO premiere of Game of Thrones Season 3 Episode 3, a group of rogues sang a song called “The Bear and the Maiden Fair,” a boisterous drinking song popular in Westeros. After the episode’s dramatic SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT conclusion, an especially boisterous, fully-rocked-out version of the song played over the closing credits, courtesy of The Hold Steady — in a hipsters-meets-Lannisters treatment previously journeyed to via The National’s “Rains of Castamere.” Wired explores the phenomenon smartly, and reveals the news that the Hold Steady’s version will be available in our world’s version of celebrating Ye Olde Mystical Tymes — for Record Store Day on April 20.

In the Wake of Awfulness, Patton Oswalt Emerges

Yesterday’s Boston Marathon tragedy — which has all the hallmarks of a terrorist attack — was possibly the most awful and unwelcome surprise of its kind since 9/11. The revelations came in dire waves — first news of explosions, then injuries, then really gruesome injuries, possible fatalities (which eventually did manifest), and then the lingering question of “Who did this?” while TV media played footage of the initial blast over and over. People responded admirably for the most part with their computers — Google set up a person finder, Mr. Rogers’ advice to “look for the helpers” popped up on Facebook, Twitter took on its usual real-time disaster resource role, and love and concern for Boston made its way around.

But it was comedian Patton Oswalt who emerged as the Mr. Rogers-like voice of reason in response to this tragic event. ABC News’ blog summarizes what happened, and even Fox & Friends host Gretchen Carlson mentioned it this morning (along with the Mr. Rogers bon mots). It’s a weird day in America when the genius who skewered “The Christmas Shoes” and who famously called KFC’s Famous Bowl “a failure pile in a sadness bowl” can be lauded by F&F as healing ‘Merica.

Cocaine and Horse-Punching: Soccer Has A Bad Weekend

Courtesy of Deadspin, here’s all you really need to know about how soccer went in England this past weekend.

Millwall’s motto is “No One Likes Us,” so news of their fans at the FA Cup semi-finals fighting in the stands isn’t surprising. But fighting with each other, allegedly while coked-up, is pretty much next-level.

Still, though, that last video. A Newcastle fan, after a horrible loss to rivals Sunderland, in what’s been a really frustrating season, punching a horse. PUNCHING A HORSE.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.