Category Archives: Actual Celebrities

Amanda Palmer Writes A Poem, And The Internet Explodes

In what is apparently the Making It All About You Department, the not-always-social-media-savvy Amanda Palmer has written a poem titled “A Poem For Dzhokhar” on her blog over the weekend. Although the work does venture into what Suspect #2 (and his brother, Suspect #1, aka the Tsarnaev Brothers of last week’s horrific Boston marathon bombings) might be thinking, the references to iPhone battery life, Vietnamese soft rolls, and the Oh-my-Godiest line of all: “you don’t know how to tell the girl in the chair next to you that you’ve been peeking at her dissertation draft and there’s a grammatical typo in the actual file name” indicates that this poem is more about Amanda calling attention to Amanda. (We’ll let the crime of all lower-casing rest for now.)

So, the Internets noticed. Spin called it “a new low” (and paired it with an engineered-to-scare photo of Amanda enjoying a ball pit more maniacally than she might have intended), Gawker called it “the worst poem ever written,” and one blogger wrote biting parodies. And, predictably, the greatest handwringing on the Internets was of the “Neil Gaiman has to stay married to her?” variety.

It’s really not, to be fair, the worst poem ever written — it has all the hallmarks of being quickly dashed off, in an attempt to enter the dialogue in a way that’s clearly marked with her own voice and her own worldview. She has adoring fans, to be sure, and when you raise over a million dollars on Kickstarter and create a fantastic album in response, it maybe makes you feel like you can do no wrong, even after last year’s Unpaidmusiciangate — a pretty definitive indication that the Internets will not always love you.

Here’s the problem — we’re all watching from a distance right now as the FBI, CIA, and whoever else is questioning Dzhokhar right now trying to get into his head. We’re pretty sure that he wasn’t bleeding to death hiding in a boat thinking about Vietnamese soft rolls, and if he was, we’re not concerned about that. We want to know more important things, like why did they try to kill people, was he and his brother working with other terrorists to kill people, and are there plans to kill anymore people, including any additional bombs hidden in Boston. Right now, getting into the mind of the bomber isn’t a journey to the land of aesthetic ennui and artists-who-made-it problems for those of us who feel compelled together. We want to see the blueprint imprinted in that mind — namely, a plan to hurt and kill innocents, a plan that worked, a plan that took an eight-year-old boy and two young women from the world. We collectively want to know the extent of the plan so we can begin to heal and fight the fear and bewilderment that terrorism means. There’s a time and place for navel-gazing art. The galvanic response to Amanda’s thoughts on Amanda as filtered through Dzhokhar is the audience saying that this is not quite the time and place.

(Update: The title was arbitrary, and it only took her nine minutes to write the poem. We suspected as much.)

Oopsie-Daisy Homophobe: Stephen Colbert and Alan Cumming Combine for Awesomeness

Not sure what Stephen Colbert was doing with the bucket-cam in Times Square last night, but one night prior, he scored bigtime in skewering Brad Paisley and LL Cool J’s “Accidental Racist.” He pointed out some of the issues we pointed out in an earlier post, but took it to an amazing new place by bringing Alan Cumming on to do a parody called, “Oopsie-Daisy Homophobe,” employing the reductiveness and sketchy rhyming of the original. He even employed a cowboy hat in the making of said parody. (Which, needless to say, brings its own extra level of hilarity.)

Patton Oswalt Is Winning The Week

On the heels of Patton Oswalt’s words of hearing post-Boston Marathon attack comes this amazing outtake (courtesy of io9) from his guest spot on Parks and Recreation. It’s an eight-minute-long “citizen filibuster” at a Pawnee town meeting, in which Oswalt’s character offers a vision for Star Wars Episode VII involving a “time ribbon,” Lando hooking up with Leia, The Avengers, the return of Boba Fett, and a disturbing Chewbacca sub-plot. Highly entertaining and nerdy as all get out.

MTV Movie Awards: Not Just a Big Trailer for Avengers 2, Right?

This paragraph from Huffington Post‘s report (via AP), about tonight’s MTV Movie Awards, pretty much tells you all you need to know about the show:

“What’s the opposite of humbled? We’re Biebered to be standing here,” said “Avengers” writer-director Joss Whedon as he accepted the final golden popcorn trophy. “This is the award that means the most to me. I am so grateful and very excited for 2015; we’re going to bring you ‘Avengers 2.'”

Of course, Avengers 2. Will Ferrell collected a Comedic Genius award (from Peter Dinklage, Ferrell’s Elf co-star and current Lord of the HBO Original Series Castle) and promoted the upcoming Anchorman 2 (which could be really great, actually), and Emma Watson nodded to her Summer 2013 jam, The Bling Ring, which is more substantive than the title suggests (if IMDB is to be believed).

Oh, Rappers: Jay-Z and LL Cool J Go Where They Perhaps Shouldn’t

Is rap controversial again? Two developments of note this week.

First, LL Cool J and Brad Paisley have teamed up for six minutes of awfulness called “Accidental Racist,” in which Paisley displays a sketchy grasp on semiotics (in his world, Confederate flag signifies Skynyrd fan) and LL Cool J fuels the dumbness fire by referencing said flag and rhyming it with doo-rag. It’s essentially a 2013 remake of “Ebony and Ivory” crossed with a Saturday Night Live parody that refuses to end.

And now, Jay-Z (as Vibe Reports) has released “Open Letter,” referencing his recent jaunt to Cuba and his White House security clearance.

We’re all for rappers jumping into the political dialogue, but solving racism in America and the Cuban trade embargo? Be sure to check back and let us know how that’s going, fellas.

Now That Cher’s Dead: When Hashtags Go Awry

Ah, cultural literacy. Margaret Thatcher’s passing has been attracting plenty of social media traffic today, much of it marked with the Twitter hashtag #nowthatchersdead. As the Dallas Morning News notes, some read the hashtag completely differently — thinking that the five-decade reign of pop songstress Cher had come to an untimely end. Thankfully, every sailor’s favorite singer is still with us. Maybe #nowthatthatchersdead would have made it clearer?

When Hilarious Ad Taglines Don’t Work As Dunk Calls

So, rough night for the San Antonio Spurs on Thursday, losing their hold on the #1 seed in the West, losing to the Oklahoma City Thunder 100-88. The game featured Kevin Durant absolutely annihilating Los Spurs (as they’re called during NBA’s mystifying Noche Latino) on a dunk. Yardbarker noticed what we noticed — namely, Reggie Miller’s replay call, in which he intones, “Mommy’s got some things for Daddy TO DO!” (Which is, of course, the punchline to the hilarious Kevin Durant commercial for Sprint that’s been playing on a loop during NBA games since Christmas. This is perhaps the worst announcer call of the year, yet also our favorite.

Speaking in My Official Capacity as a Pulitzer Prize Winner, Your Movie Sucks

In honor of the life and career of game-changing film critic Roger Ebert, a delicious highlight reel (as it were) of some of his all-time classic digs at bad movies. Our favorite line? “Add it all up, and what you’ve got here is a waste of good electricity. I’m not talking about the electricity between the actors. I’m talking about the current to the projector.”

Yes, Nick Cave Is Singing About Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus

Nick Cave: Genius? Crazy? Both? We’re leaning both, after not only confirming today on chance listen to “Higgs Boson Blues” from his amazing new album, that he does indeed rhyme “Hannah Montana” with “African Savannah” to start off a verse. He also envisions Miley Cyrus at Toluca Lake, and invokes Robert Johnson. Well, we were at least expecting that last one.

Have a crack at the lyrics yourself, on the laughably-named Song Meanings website.

(Says one fan, “in my opinion it’s about someone who checks into a motel who writes down everything he is experiencing on his trip and stay there. i’m pretty sure it’s drug related.” You think?)

Happy Valentine’s Day from Porter Wagoner!

Going waaaaay back for this one — so, so wrong, and yet so, so right. No one writes lyrics like classic country artists, ya know?

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