Category Archives: Food

He Bites, He Dives, He Hates the Jackson Five: The Enigmatic Luis Suarez Just Got More Enigmatic

Sometimes, sport transcends itself and becomes something of which the whole world takes notice. Sometimes, it’s as a result of something very dramatic and on the field of play and amazing. Something, though, it’s Tiger Woods driving his SUV into a tree and setting off a whole investigation into his sex life, or it’s Mike Tyson doing any number of Mike Tyson things, or, as happened yesterday for the second time in his career (speaking of Mike Tyson things), it’s Luis Suarez biting an opposing player (Chelsea’s Branislav Ivanonic) in the middle of a game between two of the most high-profile English football clubs.

It’s even more remarkable in that the referee didn’t see it, Suarez was allowed to stay in the game, and scored the last-gasp, game-tying goal. Suarez is no stranger to controversy — the “he bites, he dives, he hates the Jackson Five” is an awesome soccer chant referring to a past biting incident (when he played for Holland’s Ajax), his propensity to pretend to be fouled, and his prior ban for racism toward Manchester United defender Patrice Evra. In other words, dude’s an enigma — eminently talented, but a certified jackass. (That doesn’t even include this jackassery on the world stage playing for his native Uruguay in the last World Cup.)

After the game, the Fox Soccer crew questioned Suarez’ IQ and ability to function in society, and Twitter was alight with mirth about the incident. Our personal favorite was “Dinner is Serb,” in reference to Ivanovic’s heritage, though there were plenty of cracks about Suarez just wanting a “taste of Champions League football” (which you instantly get if you follow the English Premier League). Suarez will surely feel the wrath of a suspension and a fine, though perhaps the Gulag of Hilarious Internet Memes is where he’ll feel this the most.

(Update: The memes in question. The last one is particularly LOL-worthy.)


A Pizza With An Ear Infection: Sandwich Monday Takes On the Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza

Oh, ‘Merica. In the never-ending quest of American fast food chains to fill us with fat, Pizza Hut has created a cheese pizza with bowls of cheese ringing the pizza. We wish we were kidding. It’s called the Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza, and it is undeniably all those things. Even though a pizza is clearly not a sandwich, the awesome team at NPR’s Sandwich Monday took the plunge (into a pool of cheese) to review the Hut’s latest offering. Hilarity ensues. Oh my God, does hilarity ensue.

A National Dialogue on the Wolf Whistle: Gawker Mansplains It For Men

President Obama’s recent misstep in calling California Attorney General (and possible future Presidential candidate) Kamala Harris “the best-looking attorney general in the U.S.” sparked an interesting conversation on why such complements might not be welcome. Gawker’s pointedly-titled “Mansplainer” takes on why this isn’t acceptable with a hilarious allegory involving cheeseburgers. (Ostensibly, something red-blooded American males can understand.)

Roasting Guy Fieri: Parody Site Takes On Frosted-Tipped Flavor Explosion King

Oh, Guy Fieri. First, your restaurant gets one of the most scathing, vitriolic reviews in the history of restaurants in the New York Observer, citing his birth as “the beginning of a year when the world caught on fire” and then just getting more hateful from there. Then, the New York Times’ Pete Wells reviewed the restaurant in a series of the most deliciously snarky questions ever put together into a single review, including “Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste?” and “Is this how you roll in Flavor Town?”

Now, we learn that Guy Fieri has not parked the URL. We know that because of this completely awesome parody website/menu. Our favorite details might be the bidet that plays Smash Mouth or the picture of David Lee Roth stapled to a deep-fried snake, and really, you just need to read the whole brilliant thing.

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The Death of Art (As Mourned By the Ravens)

Ray Lewis is too angry to mourn the Death of Art, though his jersey’s doing it for him. (Photo credit: USA Today)

You might note, in the Indianapolis Colts-Baltimore Ravens playoff game happening right now, that the Baltimore players are wearing black patches on their upper left pectorals that simply say “Art.” I’d like to think that this is some Dieter-esque proclamation that “Art is dead,” but the Art being mourned is Art Modell, the Ravens’ owner, who passed away in September. Modell, of course, is best known from moving the Cleveland Browns franchise to Baltimore, winning the eternal enmity of everyone in, near, or with any smidge of loyalty to Cleveland. The city was eventually issued a replacement expansion franchise, reviving the Browns’ brand, but the former Browns (with a black-and-purple color scheme and a mascot taken from an Egdar Allan Poe work) have had more football success than the newer, not-necessarily-improved Browns.

(Note: Just something to think about when you’re seeing the KFC Game Day Bucket Go Boom commercial once again, and are Stockholm Syndrome-style convincing yourself you like it.)

Hold Me; I’m Scared: Hulk Hogan, and Restaurant, Together.

Hulk and guest, at Hogan’s Beach Grand Opening, which was also a Masquerade Ball-themed New Year’s Eve party. (Of course it was.) (Photo credit: Eater.)

If you ever find yourself in Tampa, and find yourself craving dining options dreamt up by one of the most iconic pro wrestlers of our age, and you want to top off that experience by riding a mechanical shark, this is now a possibility for you.

New Year’s Eve allowed us to not only collectively say good-bye to an eventful year, but to say hello to Hogan’s Beach, an eating, drinking, and mechanical-shark-riding emporium building on the Hulk Hogan brand. (A brand resting on the not-at-all-shaky foundation of a pro wrestling career followed by a look-at-my-family reality show.)

Hulk boasted to the Tampa Bay Times, “It’s going to be Jimmy Buffett’s [Margaritaville] times 10; Hooters times 10.” While this brings up the potential horror of a TV commercial featuring Hulk bellowing, “Whatcha gonna do when overly-fried appetizers and servers with 36-Double-Ds run wild on you,” the vision for the restaurant’s food is not entirely awful. (Though this TV commercial does feature an in-form Hulk talking “party” and forwarding “30 years of bodyslamming opponents in the ring” as a prelude to being a successful restauranteur.)

The article notes that Culinary Institute of America-pedigreed chef Robert Uzzillia, hired as food and beverage director for the hotel and restaurant, created a trio of menus for Hogan’s Beach: “a 30-item sushi bar, a second indoor menu of upscale steaks and seafood, and a third, more casual menu for the patio of Frenchy’s-style Florida favorites.”

Still, though, there are volleyball courts, tiki huts, fire pits, and the aforementioned mechanical shark, leading to chuckling speculation about the Hogan’s Beach dining experience.

The Huffington Post, in its coverage of the announcement, sought to expand the wider circulation of the pejorative term “breastaurant,” which I am all for (and hence am dutifully doing my part).

Other local sources in the know, including the Broward Palm Beach New Times and Eater, couldn’t quite surpress their giggles in detailing the restaurant’s offerings; Eater noted that the Twittersphere contributed wrestling-and-food puns of the “Leg Drop Soup” and “Whatcha Gonna Stew” variety. The Internets have not yet revealed a menu or even a Yelp review, but please God, make “Whatcha Gonna Stew” happen in my lifetime.

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