Sometimes, sport transcends itself and becomes something of which the whole world takes notice. Sometimes, it’s as a result of something very dramatic and on the field of play and amazing. Something, though, it’s Tiger Woods driving his SUV into a tree and setting off a whole investigation into his sex life, or it’s Mike Tyson doing any number of Mike Tyson things, or, as happened yesterday for the second time in his career (speaking of Mike Tyson things), it’s Luis Suarez biting an opposing player (Chelsea’s Branislav Ivanonic) in the middle of a game between two of the most high-profile English football clubs.
It’s even more remarkable in that the referee didn’t see it, Suarez was allowed to stay in the game, and scored the last-gasp, game-tying goal. Suarez is no stranger to controversy — the “he bites, he dives, he hates the Jackson Five” is an awesome soccer chant referring to a past biting incident (when he played for Holland’s Ajax), his propensity to pretend to be fouled, and his prior ban for racism toward Manchester United defender Patrice Evra. In other words, dude’s an enigma — eminently talented, but a certified jackass. (That doesn’t even include this jackassery on the world stage playing for his native Uruguay in the last World Cup.)
After the game, the Fox Soccer crew questioned Suarez’ IQ and ability to function in society, and Twitter was alight with mirth about the incident. Our personal favorite was “Dinner is Serb,” in reference to Ivanovic’s heritage, though there were plenty of cracks about Suarez just wanting a “taste of Champions League football” (which you instantly get if you follow the English Premier League). Suarez will surely feel the wrath of a suspension and a fine, though perhaps the Gulag of Hilarious Internet Memes is where he’ll feel this the most.
(Update: The memes in question. The last one is particularly LOL-worthy.)
Amanda Palmer Writes A Poem, And The Internet Explodes
In what is apparently the Making It All About You Department, the not-always-social-media-savvy Amanda Palmer has written a poem titled “A Poem For Dzhokhar” on her blog over the weekend. Although the work does venture into what Suspect #2 (and his brother, Suspect #1, aka the Tsarnaev Brothers of last week’s horrific Boston marathon bombings) might be thinking, the references to iPhone battery life, Vietnamese soft rolls, and the Oh-my-Godiest line of all: “you don’t know how to tell the girl in the chair next to you that you’ve been peeking at her dissertation draft and there’s a grammatical typo in the actual file name” indicates that this poem is more about Amanda calling attention to Amanda. (We’ll let the crime of all lower-casing rest for now.)
So, the Internets noticed. Spin called it “a new low” (and paired it with an engineered-to-scare photo of Amanda enjoying a ball pit more maniacally than she might have intended), Gawker called it “the worst poem ever written,” and one blogger wrote biting parodies. And, predictably, the greatest handwringing on the Internets was of the “Neil Gaiman has to stay married to her?” variety.
It’s really not, to be fair, the worst poem ever written — it has all the hallmarks of being quickly dashed off, in an attempt to enter the dialogue in a way that’s clearly marked with her own voice and her own worldview. She has adoring fans, to be sure, and when you raise over a million dollars on Kickstarter and create a fantastic album in response, it maybe makes you feel like you can do no wrong, even after last year’s Unpaidmusiciangate — a pretty definitive indication that the Internets will not always love you.
Here’s the problem — we’re all watching from a distance right now as the FBI, CIA, and whoever else is questioning Dzhokhar right now trying to get into his head. We’re pretty sure that he wasn’t bleeding to death hiding in a boat thinking about Vietnamese soft rolls, and if he was, we’re not concerned about that. We want to know more important things, like why did they try to kill people, was he and his brother working with other terrorists to kill people, and are there plans to kill anymore people, including any additional bombs hidden in Boston. Right now, getting into the mind of the bomber isn’t a journey to the land of aesthetic ennui and artists-who-made-it problems for those of us who feel compelled together. We want to see the blueprint imprinted in that mind — namely, a plan to hurt and kill innocents, a plan that worked, a plan that took an eight-year-old boy and two young women from the world. We collectively want to know the extent of the plan so we can begin to heal and fight the fear and bewilderment that terrorism means. There’s a time and place for navel-gazing art. The galvanic response to Amanda’s thoughts on Amanda as filtered through Dzhokhar is the audience saying that this is not quite the time and place.
(Update: The title was arbitrary, and it only took her nine minutes to write the poem. We suspected as much.)